Friday morning is always nice, you go to the mosque and see everyone walking to the mosque and everyone’s just splendid. Before the prayer everyone’s nice, letting pedestrians pass and actually stopping traffic to do so. Weirdly enough, after the prayer you hear honking, not-so-friendly hand gestures and everything just comes back to normal, everyone’s an ass again. Common courtesy is not the subject though, it’s about the nice “mdashdish’ha” youth in mosques..

..AND THEIR MUSTACHES!

They should hand out razors outside the mosque not just religious tapes and papers, razors and deodorants too. Best waqf 5airi.

My god, if their dads won’t teach them how to shave their moms should. I’m sure they have enough experience. Seriously most of the kids in the early stages of puberty look disgusting, it looks like dust landed on their faces, you just want to walk up to them and wipe it off because they’re actually pretending it’s an actual mustache.

They just look like HĂ©ctor JimĂ©nez from Nacho Libre. The worst ones are the ones who trim the mustache till they make it look like a dash – on their faces or the ever so lasting Hitler mustache and the Zorro look is catching on too.

I don’t have a problem with stylish mustaches, I just have a problem with kids either doing them without the needed amount of actual facial hair not trimming 3 stray hairs above their lips, or simply letting it grow to look like my 13 year old cousin who’s really too hairy for his own good. He looks like an ape, animal control tried to catch him. Apparently he looks like some monkeys who are in danger of extinction. He would’ve had a better life amongst his kind. Sadly, he escaped.

New phenomenons came out of this subject, kids go to the barber shop to make him highlight or darken their sideburns or mustache with an eyeliner pencil to make it more apparent.

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I haven’t been to the movies for a long while due to excessive cutting, but due to peer pressure I had to go to Tymoor Wa Shfeqa, which’s basically a movie about two childhood lovers who get into conflicts. Starring Mona Zaki, the soap girl, and Ahmad Alzagga Alsaqqa “The Mole“. It’s good compared to Egyptian films standards, but lower and cornier than a Van Dam movie to a Hollywood scale. Of course, we had to go to it because our dear friend recommends it so much. He actually went to it before, and tonight was his second time getting in. I loved how he alerted us before the “good bits”. Always a nice move!

Now I seriously question the intellect of someone who likes Egyptian movies. No, I’m not a blind mark for Western movies but I have standards and Egyptian films simply insult my intelligence. I’d rather watch a compelling, well written and made film than watch a shitty story that goes in loops for 2 hours for one or two breakthroughs in the already non-existing storyline. I don’t go to the movies much because most of my movie buddies prefer Egyptian movies to Western ones.

I don’t  see what draws them to them, they keep saying they’re funny..but how can you willingly sit for 2 hours laughing at a guy making an ass out of himself in a low budget movie and actually call it good. It’s kind of sad that these movies get such success, not for the fact that it reflects on the audience’s intellect but it just means more sequels for me to be forced to watch.

The people who go in to watch Western films differ from the people who go to Egyptian movies. The guys in Egyptian films just say “fidait el..*insert anything*”, and when they enter the Western films they just make shitty comments.

In tonight’s film I noticed something, the Arabic subtitle to the minor English dialog was done in Egyptian Slang Arabic.

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I woke up this evening to my mobile screaming something, I answer half asleep and I talk to a friend. I actually intended to press the # button to put the ringing on mute to continue my nap, but I answered by mistake so I got invited to go to the Avenues today. Don’t you hate that when it happens? “Ohffu..Hello! ”
After long discussions we realized we lacked a ride, and I didn’t feel like driving because then I’d be obliged to drive 5 guys home after a long night which would certainly suck, so two guys hitched a taxi, a guy came later on after a game of soccer and two were left, B. and I..

..so there we began our journey from Yarmouk to The Avenues. We crossed main roads which were full of speeding cars, we started to appreciate pedestrians more now since we saw how cruel drivers can be. We went to it from behind, on the Friday Market and Alnasir sport center road. We kept getting blinded by female drivers who put their high beams on, and honked form a mile away to stop us from crossing. For the love of god woman, we’re just standing waiting for you to pass! I believe common sense suggests we’d stay put and not cross when a speeding car’s coming, especially if a woman’s in it.

Creepy men setting up tents on our right who seemed a bit too lonely, and to our left empty lands which have their fair share of stray dogs and we kept on marching. It seems that every car that passes by feels obliged to honk at us, apparently us walking on the sidewalk disturbed them. It took us one hour or so to get there, and from the beginning I told him that our conversations will be interesting. We talked, shut up, talked, shut up, talked more. The awkward silence was the interesting part.

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What are you running from?!

The topic is about cafes, and their minimum charge ploy. My friends and I went to Marina Mall’s The One cafe, it’s the one in the corner of the seaside with the whole lot of Lebanese folks smoking sheesha. Well we were 4, sheesha, 2 coke, cocktail juice and wedges fries was our order, we were 4, then we met up with a bunch of guys and 2 stayed and the rest went out walking. To our surprise when the check came, it said “12KD” for our tiny order. We look through the paper and see “4 x 3 = 12KD.”, for the minimum charge even though our order was 5.250 which means we’re getting charged more than double.

To make the story short, some guys didn’t want to spend their money, some felt like getting ripped off and refused, others argued that they stayed for 5 minutest then walked out so why should they pay, and the guys who came later laughed at us. In the end we slowly walked out one by one till the last one, we left the door open for him, he left 6KD(didn’t have change) and walked out. It’s not stealing, we paid for what we ordered and “protested” against their rule.

Now what the hell? The common thing is to have a minimum charge for the table not per person, and usually if it’s like that if you order anything the rule’s canceled like what happened to my friends in another night at the same cafe, which made us feel more ripped off.
It’s basically Starbucks but with sheesha, now how much unnecessary shit would you spend 3KD on to hit that bar in if say The One was Starbucks or some other franchise?
It was fun bailing out on the check, and speed walking away.

Side note : My god, flirting was going between people waiting for the bathroom. How on earth..! “So you wanna pee?” “Yeah, eehehehe” “Me too!” “Soul mates!”.  With all that damn sheesha you’d think they’d piss smoke..
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I’m not opposed to bumper stickers nor am I for them, it’s your bumper do whatever to make yourself feel rebellious and unique, but I will judge you.

Very well, I’ve been noticing an increase in bumpers stickers lately. Some come from the past, others are fairly new, sometimes creative, and rarely..very rarely funny. The most common I’m seeing is “Only God Can Judge Me”, now with that statement they’ve completely buried the legal system and lifted themselves high above it only by having that free spirited hippie mentality in the form of a lame, passed on catchphrase. Others try to be unique and write it like “OnLy GOD caN JuDgE mE” which just makes you want to launch them into space.

The other day I noticed a Mondeo that said “AKON LISTEN TO KONVICTED”, now in the name of God and all that is good, what’s the purpose? You like Akon, so I must listen to it? You’re suggesting an album for me? Did I ask for your opinion? Is listening to Akon suddenly badass? Do the songs in said album reflect your intellect, you’re a Kuwaiti guy who’s black as night on the inside and suffers from Kuwaiti ghetto?

My biggest problem’s with everyone ignoring newspapers and used car agencies and attempting to sell their cars by placing their mobile number on the back with a “FOR SALE” line slapped next to it. Everyone seems to be selling, but none actually get sold. A friend called one of them and he was serious about buying, the owner laughed in his face saying it was for the chicas.

The funniest one I’ve seen yet, is a take on Puma, the guy wrote Pumba and replaced the tiger with a picture of Pumba.

My biggest problem with most of them is the font. They’re all using the ugliest font ever, Comic Sans. It’s disgusting, reflects nothing relevant to the line, and is mostly whored out. Have a sense of typography!

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Before I start, what the hell! Why do these guys in boxers boxes always have erections? Seriously, can’t they keep themselves calm for 5 minutes before the camera man takes a snapshot of them? What the hell’s with his smirk too?

“Oooh! You caught me naked, with a boner! Oh go ahead, take a picture! I’ll pretend you’re not there cuz me so sexXxy”

Now on to my point, so usually after you make a purchase the cashier/worker tells you something standard like “thanks for coming, come again!” and such but I’m noticing more and more stores are saying “Mabrook!” which means “Congratulations!” or to a literal sense “Blessed thee object”. The fuck?

I don’t want you to bless my goddamn boxers! In fact, I’m not comfortable with you even looking at my new boxers, let alone BLESS it..

Or when they congratulate me on making a purchase, is it that astonishing that I was able to buy shoes or a pair of underwear? I always end up laughing in their face when they say it, are they expecting me to do a woohoo jump because of that?

“Yay, new underwear!”

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Remember the frenzy when companies paid idiots to tattoo their names on their bodies, from foreheads to arms and such as advertisement? They were mostly called idiots, dumbfucks, morons, stupid and stupid idiot dumbfuck morons.

But I think most women are the exact same..but there’s a difference which makes those morons better than these women. Now hear me out, women pay the company to wear this damn exact pattern like burberrys, or a bag filled with the name and logo of a certain brand to advertise for them in the streets, but those morons get paid to do it. Women pay to do it.

Now seriously, if you find something nice from them, by all means please take it..but when it’s filled with the logo of the brand it’s just stupid. It’s like if I designed a t-shirt that says “WWW.SUSPIC.WORDPRES.COM” all over, and you wearing it. All those bags need is the location of the branches and telephone numbers..perhaps a quote or two from the designer.

I know, I’m a “man”. I don’t get this stuff, ’cause women are so sophisticated..but in fact, me > women. That’s math, people.

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Woman : Sir!

suspic : OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NNNOO…

*woman sprays fluid in my eyes*

suspic : MY..EYES!

suspic : ..k, fine. you got me, hehehe..

Woman : Sir, I’m here. Stop talking to the wall..

suspic : You did blind me, you bitch.

Woman : Well anyway, this is the new Armani..It only costs 40KD, it’s 30mm..blahblah..

*suspic walks away slowly* : Will check it out later after my eye treatment! :D

Can’t a man go shopping without having to literally speed walk away from those women in black suites? I have to time it right like I’m avoiding getting shot. I have to wait till they look away then I’d do some Navy Seals shit to run away from them, from rolling on the ground to jumping on walls to taking old woman as body shields. Poor grandma went blind to protect me..

They’re everywhere in every corner in malls, women to give out samples for men and men to give out samples for women. I have to sacrifice people to avoid them, when my friends and I walk next to them and I see her approaching towards us and one of us gets left behind I just tell them to move on and forget him, let him come back all wet with perfumes.

The problem is when you do stop I don’t get how someone can talk for 5 minutes straight about a glass bottle of smelly water. “Ok sir, this is brand new, it’s Armani. It smells good, try it!” What else could they possibly say for 5 minutes? I just shut down.

I miss the good ol’ days when it was Egyptian women in lab coats, they were funny like they invented the damn thing. Now it’s Lebanese and Filipino women patronizing you when their job is to spray perfumes. Fuck, co-ops have this plastic thing that sprays it every 5 minutes in bathrooms that does their jobs better. They are the equivalent of a smelly plastic. Patronize me now, bitch?

Today I went to buy a perfume for someone, and those women just circle around you like vampires making you smell everything with sniffs of coffee beans in between when I first saw them I was happy I thought it was a snack..naive, I was! and to be honest it all smells the damn same.

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My apologies to my audience, I’ve been busy with life and it’s busyness. Will update more often to waste your time..
You look lonely there, mooch.

End of transmission.

P.S. Here’s an e-mail  I didn’t get that’s really fake,

“Dear suspic,

Please update the site more or I’ll slaughter my whole family, then myself. You mean that much to me!

Yours truly,

H. xoxoxo”

Salesmen, ah, I hate thee. I recently had an encounter with one as I was asking him about a Sony Ericsson memory card, and he told me the 1GB costs about 12KD, I kindly declined and started to walk out from this nice shop in the co-op who should be friendly to the neighborhood kids but business is business. He kept sweet talkin’ me, telling me some techie stuff I didn’t understand but I smoothly pretended to understand as I walked out..and the closer I got to the door the more I saw the fire in his eyes flame on and he started to push his opinion down my throat.

“It’s a Sony memory card, it works on TVs, video cameras, and it never lags!”, he said. I needed it for a phone not a video camera, I said to myself.

“It’s the best for your phone!!”, he said as I started to walk out. All you saw was my hand covering the entire phone, I thought to myself.

“It supports U2 Technology!!!”, he said when I got to the door. What the fuck’s U2, I thought to myself but the words that came out were “I know..I know =) “.

“Sony merchandise is always expensive!!!! It supports U2!!!!!”, he said so passionately as I gazed into his magnified eyes due to his thick glasses. He looks kinda funny I just wanna poke them, I thought.

“YOOOOHTOOOOOOOOH…=(“, he said so distantly as I started to proceed to my car.

Now, how can they live with themselves, whether they’re working in a small store like this one or in Eureka and Alghanim? Their job is to work around the truth everyday or just blatantly lie about stuff they don’t know to answer your questions.

Are they human? Or does the slick hairgel suck their humanity away after each wash? I understand it’s marketing and all, but how stupid is he if he’s conning people in a small area, building a reputation he’s known for, which’s being a thieving man-whore who flirts with girls even though he’s 40 or 50 wearing the same dishdasha everyday.

End of transmission.